Why I love the movie Wreck it Ralph (old post)

Something that I have been in the process of unlearning and relearning is this idea that I can be whoever I want to be, the idea of one shaping one's own fate/future, given the free will that God has blessed mankind with. I sometimes think that I am unable to become the person I'm meant to or want to be or the person that God has meant for me to be because people perceive me to be a certain way (and being the people pleaser I am, I have to conform to their expectations of me), or because I was brought up in a certain family (being the youngest and always being put down- I have constantly struggled with being assertive and knowing when/ how to interact with other individuals in a way that portrays that I have great self-esteem but am not cocky/egotistical, and I have always had to prove my own worth to others because everyone always perceived me as the youngest/incapable of speaking for herself/taking initiative/doing things on her own, even though when I did try to prove my maturity and adequacy, it was always discouraged ...i don't know...there was never freedom to experiment with all the aspects of growing up- they way one speaks, dresses, carries oneself, interacts with older and younger people, etc )

ANYWAY

I guess this relates to the movie Wreck it Ralph because Ralph is this video game character that is designed to be the "bad guy" but feels as though his character/ identity

don't know where i was going with this

irked

Ugh I don't know, but i'm somewhat annoyed right now. I just overheard/eavesdropped on my cousin talking to my mom about something she found annoying about me. I don't know, I guess I'm kind of hurt because it feels like she kind of talked behind my back but i could just be really sensitive or something....

My cousin from Taiwan has been staying at our house in Austin for the past month and I've been trying to show her around Austin and make her experience here not be too boring. I personally love Austin and the places, food, music, stores, and experiences it has to offer, but I feel as though everywhere I've showed her aren't good enough for her. My cousin's family is pretty wealthy-- her dad owns the 3rd largest/most successful/lucrative business in Taiwan-- and she's travelled a lot (been to Korea, Japan, Germany, England, Belgium, California, New York, etc.) so I can understand why Austin might be underwhelming....But i don't know, I feel like she sometimes has a snobby air to her that I really don't appreciate...

Essentially, what she found annoying about me was the fact that I was wanting to pay for a lot as we were shopping, eating, etc. I don't know about yall, but I was brought up observing and being told that as a host with any relatives over (which actually rarely happened cause most of my relatives live overseas), I should pay for him/her as a form of respect, etc.

Another thing I find annoying is the fact that I feel as though she is trying to find things out about our family, and then she goes to talk to me about these things as though I'm not aware of them or as though she knows my family's problems more than I do myself, even though she's only been staying with us for ~2 weeks. I think that the reason why she is uncomfortable or dislikes me acting so congenial/amicable/cordial is because she, being the youngest in her family as well, is probably in the process of asserting her independence (like me) and dislikes people helping her out/etc. bc that sort of act can be suggestive of one thinking another is still a baby or not self-sufficient.

Word vomit

I'm not really good at explaining how I feel, and you already know that bc I've told you before, but I'm just going to try to explain my feelings right now because I feel like I've had a lot on my heart and I don't think it's fair for me (or you in the long run) for me to keep all these feelings just inside me this whole time. In general, I really don't like how you act as if you know my character deeply or know everything about me and when you saying things so sarcastically all the time that it becomes really annoying... for example, today there were a lot of things you said (or at least the way you said certain things) that kind of bugged me…

- When I was talking about Diana to you and you were quick to say "I think you're just over-thinking things Kelly" and when I was trying to open up to you about how Diana and I found out that we were really similar and you said "wow that's an extensive list"…I felt as though the list was meaningful and significant, and you msging me that kind of came across as sarcastic and hurtful

- First thing you said to me as I got the door "wow making us wait outside so long"

- When Diana was explaining something about how Tai Jong was more "green" and we were trying to understand the English translation: I guess "eco-friendly"? and you said "uh noo" or something even though Diana confirmed that I was on the right track actually..

- Saying "oh that's all you're ordering, just a biscotti?" even though we also had tea on the way…Like so what? You just ordered an iced tea. And what makes ordering only a biscotti questionable/laughable anyway?

- Saying "oh that's all y'all bought? Just 2 pillows?" when I was telling you what Diana and I did today

- When I was thinking of writing "Kelly was here" on the table and you said "Oh that's original" sarcastically

- Touching you cold fingers on my arm, and me just rubbing the skin on place where you touched and you said "Ugh I knew you were going to do that", even though the way I reacted was normal…

- And in general saying "You would" after a lot of things that said, as if I'm a really predictable person and you know my character/identity deeply...

I feel like we're all growing, constantly-changing young adults that are trying new things and trying to find out the kind of person we each want to be, and I know there are certain ways that I've acted in the past that might have suggested I'm a certain kind of person, but I don't want to be identified by those ways or bound to the labels "the baby girl" or the "girl who doesn't like drinking and partying and such and such", just like you don't want to be the girl labeled as the "party or drinking or sex girl" or whatever. For me to say those kind of things about you or act in a way assuming you are just that kind of person is unfair and not right and I admit that I'm wrong there. But I think it's kind of hypocritical that you tell me that I shouldn't be assuming of you or label you with a certain identity, when you sometimes act really assuming of/label me, if that makes any sense.

You know how last summer you said that one of your Vandy friends said that you "changed" after you came back from Shanghai and you asked me whether I felt like you had changed? If I'm going to be honest with myself, after my interactions with you this past year, I kind of feel as though you HAVE changed…in the things you talk about and the way you carry yourself or talk (like the tone of your voice can sometimes come across as snobby)…I'm asking you to change the tone in which you talk, but I guess I'm asking you to be a little more conscious of how your voice/sincerity comes across. 

Also, I sometimes feel somewhat taken advantage of you/used by you because in group settings, I feel like I sort of become your subject of commentary/source of laughter (like a lot of things you say are critical/ subtly judgmental comments about me or something I said or acted or whatever…sorry about my lack of vocabulary/diction). I know that you're joking sometimes and maybe I'm just sensitive or something but don't really like how you sometimes make fun of me subtly in front of others cause I feel like it really damages my self-esteem and I already have my 2 older sisters for that. 

You once asked me why I considered you as my friend or why I wanted to be friends with you. In the past, I considered you as my friend because you understood me and were willing to listen to my problems and such, and bc you seemed to not care about what others thought of you and you could get along with all different kinds of people (popular, unpopular, old, young, etc.) and had a good heart for others, and I looked up to you in a lot of ways… But now I feel it more and more difficult to open up to you because I feel that anytime I say anything it's a burden to you, or it's laughable or not interesting, and I feel really self-conscious and awkward… I really want to be friends with you and to "love you no matta what" but I guess you're making it more and more difficult because I feel as though I'm constantly compromising my feelings, esteem, and maturity for your need to amuse yourself or feel superior or something.