starting somewhere

Today I was able to make another break in the ice. Another dent in the iron. Another inch forward in this life-long battle of standing up for myself in this family, explaining the issues that I have with my sisters and how they treat me, and forging my identity...Sorry about being really vague/ineloquent and inarticulate, but I guess we all improve in time right? You gotta start somewhere (I seem to always be "starting" and never "completing" or "maintaining")

I finally told Elaine how I didn't like the way she acted sometimes and how she could sometimes come across as being really insensitive. The conversation was really a struggle initially because she had made really out-of-place laugh at something that had said, and I had told her that the way she laughed could sometimes be offensive to someone who could probably have sincerely meant whatever they were talking about. She became really defensive on how we were just different individuals and how we each perceive offense is different, and how she "is the way she is" and she can't change. I told her that I was just merely suggesting that it might benefit her or it might be healthy to be more receptive to different kinds of people's personalities... she kept cutting me off/interrupting me, explaining how no one has ever called her out so how would she know whether there was something about herself that people had an issue with unless I could tell her right then and there. Then me being the inarticulate, bumbling word-fumbling baffoon I am, finnnaalllyy/eventually got to mentioning different cases in which the way she acted might not be that healthy, esp her "not being able to change because that's just the way I am Kelly" facet of her personality. I touched on the idea of how sometimes I felt as though she was showing-off her lifestyle of photography, clothes, cooking, traveling, and materialism to others, and how I felt has though anyone could do those things (me included) if they had the time and money to buy equipment and friends and do those hobbies, and it can be really insensitive when she flaunts the things she's able to do to others, especially when some people, like me, put those hobbies on hold and sacrifice a lot for their future by being really studious/conservative/frugal/passive/ forgiving/obedient/sacrificial in order be able to afford that kind of lifestyle in the future. I told her how I felt as thought I grew up having to compromise my desires/interests/hobbies (including those that I felt as though she boasts about) for the sake of studying hard so that ultimately, I could get a good job to please/accept/support mom&dad, and that I also had to filter myself and compromise my personality (extroverted --> introverted, outgoing &assertive --> scared/shy &passive, carefree&bold --> anxious&low-esteemed) due to the later conversions being more conducive to being successful in school (it saved energy, etc.), as all my efforts were for the purpose of being obedient to my parents, etc. Thus, I have big people-pleaser tendencies, and she, being lucky enough to have to leave those issues behind by finding different friends and never feeling the need to change, really took my constructive criticism distastefully....We touched on so many other subjects and butted heads a lot more but I'm really glad that we were able to flesh out ideas and that she was finally willing to listen to be flesh out my concerns somewhat.

It's interesting because from our argument/fleshing out of each other, I've learned so much about her. She really is a lot different that what I thought of her prior to our fight. I think that I used to think she was similar to me (which she was, up until a point) and that she came to be the person who she is and was able to change due to certain pivotal experiences, but I realized that she really is the same in some areas where I thought she changed...it's only because of her great friends/support system at Vox Veniae that she's been able to not have to change. Feeling too comfortable, she is spoiled so rotten with the encouragement, agreeableness, and lightheartedness of people at Vox that she never feels the need to change or improve herself because no one ever calls each other out on anything. I guess I thought that Elaine had struggled through a lot of what I have been going thru (and overcame it) so she'd be able to better empathize with the issues I was talking to her about, but it turned out that she struggled thru those things and didn't change, just avoided those struggles by luckily finding a group of ppl who allowed her to have to deal with those problems anymore, so now that I'm going thru them, she doesn't really understand where I'm coming from because her solution for dealing with those issues was handed to her on a silver platter.

This conversation was hard. I know that so much more needs to be talked about. But I'm glad that now I can call out either sister without them feeling offended cause they'll know where I'm coming from and that I'm not wanting them to change, rather they know that I'm hoping they use those experiences to understand me more as a person, so as to know how to better act around me.

Wish I could remember more about our fight/conversation today to document but I know that more will come in time. Cheers and Merry Christmas.

Struggling

"Therefore, my beloved brothers, be steadfast, immovable, always abounding int he work of the Lord, knowing that in the Lord your labor is not in vain." - 1 Corinthians 15:58

Lately, I've been really stressed and been having period panic attacks or quarter-life crises that really disrupt me at the most inopportune times, like when I'm cramming for a test(today),....and often the spark that sets these attacks off are conversations with my older sisters or my mom or my dad, or just interactions with my mom. I hate that I have no one to turn to, but also that I can't bring myself to change and take charge and not give a ish about what my family or friends think  because of the way I was brought up, because I have a voice in my head that's telling me I'm a bad person and that it's "not okay" to be my own individual. I also hate that I can't even properly express myself (like right now) and lose my train of thought really easily.

I just had a big fight/yelling thing with my mom and I have a test this Monday, Wednesday, and Thursday and I don't know what I'm going to do.

I don't even have time for the things that matter in life and I feel as though all my entries, even ever since middle school have had the same old whinings and rants of the dissatisfaction I feel in life. I don't want to feel like this and really feel so upset. 

I wish I had the character and time to make more friends. I'm going to fail my test Monday. :/

an awakening

Summer thus far has really been a hazy blur of events. For the past month, I've been taking an English Comp II class at ACC every M-Th (that ends this Wed) and doing research in the afternoons right after my class until 5pm (which I'll continue doing throughout this summer). Because my cousin was staying with us for the month of June, I've been using every chance I get (weekday evenings (after research), Fridays (no research or class), and either Saturday or Sunday (depending on that week)) to show her around Austin (Barton Springs, South Congress, The Domain, Austin Stone, The Arboretum, The Drag, Chinatown, etc). Yesterday we dropped her off at the airport and it was kind of bittersweet because I feel like bonded so well and were able to become so comfortable, open, and blunt with each other, and I was able to realize so many things about myself, my nuclear and extended family, and just my identity in general, which I can expand on in a separate post...aahhh~

On top of my cousin being here, my family has also been in the process of selling our house/moving, so at the beginning of this summer (primarily before my cousin arrived) we had cleaned up A LOT of our house, and going through so many old things (stuff from the past 15+ years) was really a trip down memory lane, as it brought back a lot of laughable but also strange and unwanted memories O.o...Because we potentially get the key to our new home on July 8th, we've been working really closely with our agent helping us sell our house (esp this past week) to make our house as presentable as possible, as she shows it to potential buyers. I personally don't like this woman because the way/tone in which she talks to my parents is disrespectful that I question her professionalism....

I think a combination of many factors (English class- I'm slow at writing..., research, Texas heat, my dad being back in Austin, my parents' lack of communication, cleaning/repairing our house, making it presentable, trying to sell it, and taking care of my cousin staying with us from Taiwan) has really made this past month stressful and exhausting for me. But I also forgot to mention that my oldest sister came back to Austin to visit our family for this past week, and whenever our entire family gets together, I just really don't like it because no one is ever on the same page and I again am put down, talked down to, and have to suppress my thoughts/words/everything because everything I say is unacceptable in some form or way. So my sister being here also added to the already present stress here...but....

...yesterday, I feel like I was able to summon up some confidence to confront some of my family members and put a dent in the injustice in my family.

========

Unfinished entry- Started Sunday June 30th

Why I love the movie Wreck it Ralph (old post)

Something that I have been in the process of unlearning and relearning is this idea that I can be whoever I want to be, the idea of one shaping one's own fate/future, given the free will that God has blessed mankind with. I sometimes think that I am unable to become the person I'm meant to or want to be or the person that God has meant for me to be because people perceive me to be a certain way (and being the people pleaser I am, I have to conform to their expectations of me), or because I was brought up in a certain family (being the youngest and always being put down- I have constantly struggled with being assertive and knowing when/ how to interact with other individuals in a way that portrays that I have great self-esteem but am not cocky/egotistical, and I have always had to prove my own worth to others because everyone always perceived me as the youngest/incapable of speaking for herself/taking initiative/doing things on her own, even though when I did try to prove my maturity and adequacy, it was always discouraged ...i don't know...there was never freedom to experiment with all the aspects of growing up- they way one speaks, dresses, carries oneself, interacts with older and younger people, etc )

ANYWAY

I guess this relates to the movie Wreck it Ralph because Ralph is this video game character that is designed to be the "bad guy" but feels as though his character/ identity

don't know where i was going with this

irked

Ugh I don't know, but i'm somewhat annoyed right now. I just overheard/eavesdropped on my cousin talking to my mom about something she found annoying about me. I don't know, I guess I'm kind of hurt because it feels like she kind of talked behind my back but i could just be really sensitive or something....

My cousin from Taiwan has been staying at our house in Austin for the past month and I've been trying to show her around Austin and make her experience here not be too boring. I personally love Austin and the places, food, music, stores, and experiences it has to offer, but I feel as though everywhere I've showed her aren't good enough for her. My cousin's family is pretty wealthy-- her dad owns the 3rd largest/most successful/lucrative business in Taiwan-- and she's travelled a lot (been to Korea, Japan, Germany, England, Belgium, California, New York, etc.) so I can understand why Austin might be underwhelming....But i don't know, I feel like she sometimes has a snobby air to her that I really don't appreciate...

Essentially, what she found annoying about me was the fact that I was wanting to pay for a lot as we were shopping, eating, etc. I don't know about yall, but I was brought up observing and being told that as a host with any relatives over (which actually rarely happened cause most of my relatives live overseas), I should pay for him/her as a form of respect, etc.

Another thing I find annoying is the fact that I feel as though she is trying to find things out about our family, and then she goes to talk to me about these things as though I'm not aware of them or as though she knows my family's problems more than I do myself, even though she's only been staying with us for ~2 weeks. I think that the reason why she is uncomfortable or dislikes me acting so congenial/amicable/cordial is because she, being the youngest in her family as well, is probably in the process of asserting her independence (like me) and dislikes people helping her out/etc. bc that sort of act can be suggestive of one thinking another is still a baby or not self-sufficient.

Word vomit

I'm not really good at explaining how I feel, and you already know that bc I've told you before, but I'm just going to try to explain my feelings right now because I feel like I've had a lot on my heart and I don't think it's fair for me (or you in the long run) for me to keep all these feelings just inside me this whole time. In general, I really don't like how you act as if you know my character deeply or know everything about me and when you saying things so sarcastically all the time that it becomes really annoying... for example, today there were a lot of things you said (or at least the way you said certain things) that kind of bugged me…

- When I was talking about Diana to you and you were quick to say "I think you're just over-thinking things Kelly" and when I was trying to open up to you about how Diana and I found out that we were really similar and you said "wow that's an extensive list"…I felt as though the list was meaningful and significant, and you msging me that kind of came across as sarcastic and hurtful

- First thing you said to me as I got the door "wow making us wait outside so long"

- When Diana was explaining something about how Tai Jong was more "green" and we were trying to understand the English translation: I guess "eco-friendly"? and you said "uh noo" or something even though Diana confirmed that I was on the right track actually..

- Saying "oh that's all you're ordering, just a biscotti?" even though we also had tea on the way…Like so what? You just ordered an iced tea. And what makes ordering only a biscotti questionable/laughable anyway?

- Saying "oh that's all y'all bought? Just 2 pillows?" when I was telling you what Diana and I did today

- When I was thinking of writing "Kelly was here" on the table and you said "Oh that's original" sarcastically

- Touching you cold fingers on my arm, and me just rubbing the skin on place where you touched and you said "Ugh I knew you were going to do that", even though the way I reacted was normal…

- And in general saying "You would" after a lot of things that said, as if I'm a really predictable person and you know my character/identity deeply...

I feel like we're all growing, constantly-changing young adults that are trying new things and trying to find out the kind of person we each want to be, and I know there are certain ways that I've acted in the past that might have suggested I'm a certain kind of person, but I don't want to be identified by those ways or bound to the labels "the baby girl" or the "girl who doesn't like drinking and partying and such and such", just like you don't want to be the girl labeled as the "party or drinking or sex girl" or whatever. For me to say those kind of things about you or act in a way assuming you are just that kind of person is unfair and not right and I admit that I'm wrong there. But I think it's kind of hypocritical that you tell me that I shouldn't be assuming of you or label you with a certain identity, when you sometimes act really assuming of/label me, if that makes any sense.

You know how last summer you said that one of your Vandy friends said that you "changed" after you came back from Shanghai and you asked me whether I felt like you had changed? If I'm going to be honest with myself, after my interactions with you this past year, I kind of feel as though you HAVE changed…in the things you talk about and the way you carry yourself or talk (like the tone of your voice can sometimes come across as snobby)…I'm asking you to change the tone in which you talk, but I guess I'm asking you to be a little more conscious of how your voice/sincerity comes across. 

Also, I sometimes feel somewhat taken advantage of you/used by you because in group settings, I feel like I sort of become your subject of commentary/source of laughter (like a lot of things you say are critical/ subtly judgmental comments about me or something I said or acted or whatever…sorry about my lack of vocabulary/diction). I know that you're joking sometimes and maybe I'm just sensitive or something but don't really like how you sometimes make fun of me subtly in front of others cause I feel like it really damages my self-esteem and I already have my 2 older sisters for that. 

You once asked me why I considered you as my friend or why I wanted to be friends with you. In the past, I considered you as my friend because you understood me and were willing to listen to my problems and such, and bc you seemed to not care about what others thought of you and you could get along with all different kinds of people (popular, unpopular, old, young, etc.) and had a good heart for others, and I looked up to you in a lot of ways… But now I feel it more and more difficult to open up to you because I feel that anytime I say anything it's a burden to you, or it's laughable or not interesting, and I feel really self-conscious and awkward… I really want to be friends with you and to "love you no matta what" but I guess you're making it more and more difficult because I feel as though I'm constantly compromising my feelings, esteem, and maturity for your need to amuse yourself or feel superior or something.

Lately

Today was the last day of classes and I am SO incredibly happy about this, but the unfortunate thing is that I still have 2 finals, and my brain has already "checked out" of school and entered summer mode haha....so bad...

I know my last post was really depressing but I can honestly say right now that I'm fine..at least today. The past 2 weeks have been pretty rough but I keep telling myself to cling to Jesus and also that I've been thru worse, so my struggles are definitely conquerable...and there's a lot in the summer to look forward to. I think I'll expand on the specific struggles that I went thru the past 2 weeks in a separate post, but for now, I just wanted to jot down some things I'm hoping to be able to do this summer:

Summer To-do List:

- Summer classes

- Research

- Spend time w/ dad: cook, shop, swim/exercise, buy furniture for apt, 

- Workout and get fit

- Get a job?- pharm tech preferably

---> Get actual pharm tech certification

- READ

- Spend time with God

- Shadow PA
- Study for GRE

To be honest

To be honest, I'm not okay. I feel really lonely all the time and don't know who or what to turn to. I'll open up the Bible and read something but my mind will be in some other place (like school or things that I have to do) and I can feel my focus being pulled in all directions. To be honest, I left because I didn't feel as if I belonged and felt excluded from everything and distant from everyone and awkward and different overall. I did not feel joyful when worshipping and I felt that people were measuring their faith by how much they could do with their actions. To be honest, I feel as if I can't open up to anyone because everyone whom I've ever opened up to has been a let-down, didn't know how to help me, didn't/doesn't value me as much as I value them, or won't take me seriously. I ate with an old friend today and some of what she said I didn't really agree with but I showed that I did agree with her thoughts anyway. Why do I do that? I really don't know... To be honest, I don't know if I want to be a PA anymore because I don't know if I'd enjoy it or even have energy by the end of PA school. I don't even know how to interact with people anymore and PAs have to interact with people constantly. What happened to me? I used to be so outgoing and strong and indifferent to what others thought of me. I also haven't been doing too well in school, and that in itself could be a sign that maybe it isn't what God wants me to do, right?

To be honest, I'm really envious of the people around me- friends, family members, peers, older and younger, etc...My roommate who has all these opportunities going for her, who has the grades, internships, and leadership experiences all falling in place for her now because of the guaranteed med school acceptance program she's in, but also a ministry and community of Christian friends and an extremely close-knit/supportive family as a support system for when she feels down/inadequate/etc... My sisters, especially the middle one who didn't have to really work hard in life and got the easy way out with a major in communications and who has a nice life right now making money, eating at cool places, going to live music concerts, having a close community of friends from her hipster ministry to hang out with, having time for herself to cook and read and travel and photograph and live life... My mom who has time after work to grocery shop and work out and go to Bible study classes ... and even strangers whom I've just met. I wish I could just be satisfied with my life and see how truly blessed I am.

To be honest, I can't be honest with anyone anymore because no one can help me besides God, but even then, I find it really difficult to feel his presence, at least for me. I wish I wasn't so bitter or cynical. I wish I knew where I was going in life or at least had a strong assurance/trust in God like some people do. To be honest, I'm tired of faking it and pretending like I have it all together, because I don't. But whenever I express that to others, they either take advantage of it or look down on me because of it or pity me but never help or empathize with me. I'm such a selfish and immature fool.

The friend that I ate with today mentioned how she thought that a sure sign of maturity is when you start to think about others more than yourself. I'm not so sure if I agree with that. It's strange because I feel as though I used to be extremely selfless and altruistic and would go out of my way to help anyone and everyone but as I've gotten older, I've become more concerned with myself and my life...probably because I neglected to take care of myself so much before. Yet I feel as though I am more mature now than I was before, despite having a more self-focused mindset... I don't know. It all doesn't really make sense to me. Someone who may show altruistic concern and selflessness towards others may not necessarily be mature...especially one who does things out of child-like faith. I think it's because my altruism stemmed from ignorance and naivety while my self-centeredness stems from bitterness and experiences of betrayal or missed opportunities or of being misguided in life. How do you define maturity anyway? I have this post addressing the idea of growing up and what maturity entails, saved somewhere in my Drafts haha ...but just like my other entries, most of them are incomplete and not well thought out....:/

I don't know where I was going with this but it felt good to let it all out. I don't have anywhere or anyone to turn to so I suppose I'm glad that I have this blog.

I miss my dad

Since the beginning of freshman year of high school, my dad has primarily lived on the other side of the world in Asia (China and Taiwan back and forth) due to work. My dad is a hardworking (really a workaholic if you will) and kind dad, and whenever he would come back to visit Austin, I always appreciated how he strove to spend time with me and our family, despite his busy schedule. I wouldn't say that my dad was more lenient or lax than my mom, but he was always fair, just, practical, and understanding. I really appreciate that about my dad... I feel that sometimes my mom doesn't truly understand my situations or circumstances and that in turn results in her asking impractical things out of me. Nonetheless, while my dad and I can relate more in some areas, the distance makes things hard, and as a result, I've actually become a lot closer to my mom, surprisingly (but I'll save that for another post).

Recently, my dad was told that he had about 2 months before he'd be laid-off because his company had to cut people due to the economy (i think the economy bad again now or something?). While my dad is essentially about to retire, I think it was somewhat bittersweet for him because I feel that going to work for my dad was some sort of comfort or safety blanket, something he felt great fulfillment and satisfaction from..it was his natural habitat if you will haha. For some time now, he's told me and my mom that he's had plans on starting his own business or something, after retiring (what?!?) or something like that... so knowing he'd be cut was also sort of a good thing in that if he chose to pursue this sort of entrepreneurship, he could focus more of his time on that. But to be honest, I don't really like the prospect of my dad continuing work after retiring... I just really wish that he'd just settle down back in Austin, take it easy, and spend more physical time with us, his family. I feel like the physical distance, his lack of presence in my life (his absence), especially during the years I most needed a social support system and really had none (nobody or nothing to turn to besides my studies- which were kind of a part of the source of my struggles- or violin- which would be an outlet for me unpredictably), ...I feel like his absence in my life really has made growing up difficult. It's exacerbated life's challenges and has hindered me from becoming the adult I feel like I was meant to be.

Today (or at least the day that I started this post), I talked with my dad on the phone (even though we usually video chat), for a short time, but it wasn't enough. He had to go, so that cut our conversation short, and I was left feeling really empty and sad...I feel like sometimes my dad doesn't realize the impact that his absence has on my life, despite constantly telling him that I miss him and that I wish he were back in Austin. I think sometimes I'm afraid to express to him that I need him because I don't want to come across as someone who is needy, as a 21-year old who hasn't matured or grown up or is self-sufficient and can take care of her own self...I feel like throughout my entire life, I've always tried to prove my worth to the people around me in everything I do...my intelligence, my obedience, my physical prowess, my personality, my musicality, my creativity, my style, my everything...I always wanted to excel in everything so that people wouldn't perceive me as a child or stupid or something...I don't know. I think that this part of my personality somewhat stems from being the youngest of 3 children and contrary to popular belief, I wasn't really a child who was "spoiled" and given everything she wanted, even though I was the youngest. I never really saw the complete awesome or glorious thing about the youngest- seriously I think each youngest child's experience varies depending on the family they come from. Anyway, I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm frustrated because despite being the popular image of what a youngest child's life is like, I feel like my life has been very different than that, so I shut my feelings away inside of me because most people don't understand my situation and assume things based upon the stereotype society has built the youngest child to be. But I guess I can expand more on this in another post I suppose..

Major girl crush: Tori Kelly

One of my favorite Youtube artists I follow is Tori Kelly. She is so so SO great- she's beautiful, her voice is soulful and sexy and unique and I just love her all around. She's here in ATX for SXSW and I REALLY want to see her this Friday, but I'm not sure if I'll go because I don't have anyone to go with to see her yet. :/

Here are some of my favorite covers of hers that she's done:

Suit & Tie- JT

Thinkin' Bout You- Frank Ocean

Best Thing I Never Had- Beyonce

I love her so much! She is only recently gaining a larger follower/fan-base, but I have always always thought she was very cool and amazing. I hope that if I DO get to see her Friday, I can get a picture with her!! AUGH

inconsistency

I'm back home for spring break but my mom and I fought again during the evening time about an hour ago. It's so frustrating because I feel as if we've come so far from our hellish days during HS and MS, but days where our relationship regress just really sadden me because I'm all about seeing progress and moving forward and really haaate when social things (like relationships) build up to a point to where they affect other things in life (thinking, school, friends, etc). I feel like I'm the only one in this relationship who wants to improve our relationship, but that is probably because I am more negatively impacted by it that she is. I rarely come home, so for us to fight just really disrupts the flow and positivity and motivation and purpose of things that I have to get done. I'm SO envious of those people who can turn to their home to be restored, refueled, rejuvenated, nourished, and built-up rather than being crushed, hurt, discouraged, and torn down. I know that I have a lot to be thankful for (lol I even had a post, "blessings and growing pains", saved as a draft that didn't even get a chance to be posted- see I try), which is why I don't like to pour out my feelings to others anymore because I feel like I burden them, but sometimes, I don't know why basic, rudimentary things like relationship with family members have to be so dysfunctional and damaging to an individual. I know that I myself have been inconsistent in a lot of things in my life but I am constantly actively trying to improve myself and build others up (often at the cost of sacrificing my own face). I don't know..but I really just hate coming home. And what's worse is that I don't really have a group of friends I can turn to talk about this to and to do things with to take my mind off of this. Oh well, another decade of sucking things up I suppose..

another blog, another year

(Haha I started this blog on New Years Day of 2013, hence the title of this entry, but didn't get around to finishing this entry until now. whoops)

This is probably the 9th or 10th blog I've created, but I'm hoping that I can stick to this one a little longer than the rest. I think the reasons why I don't blog or even journal anymore for that matter are: 1. I always have too much to say, 2. I sometimes don't know how to articulate or organize all my jumbled mess of thoughts, 3. I am a perfectionist (but slowly becoming less of one) so even when I am able to articulate my thoughts, I am never fully satisfied with how I expressed myself, 4. I am a busy person and value my time greatly, so compounded with the burden of taking longer than most people to articulate my thoughts, I usually give up blogging because there are other things (of higher priority) that I could be doing with my time....

HOWEVER. haha...I really do enjoy writing and getting my thoughts down and out. I feel like I'm always abandoning my creative or liberal artsy side by never journalling, blogging, or reading just for fun anymore...Anyway, the reason why I wanted to recreate another blog is so that I can have a place where I can freely express myself and learn how to articulate my thoughts. One of my problems (I feel) is that I have a hard time communicating with others, expressing myself, verbalizing my thoughts, speaking in complete sentences, unless I'm talking about something that I'm extreeeemely passionate about, something that I've thought about for a longggg time, or something that I've talked about a few times before.

The final reason why I don't journal/blog anymore is because 5. I am always afraid of readers judging my writing, and in the past, I've always written/blogged for an audience, which sometimes consisted of individuals I'd know and interact with personally.

I'm hoping that my writing will help me be more articulate, eloquent, clear, concise, informative, and expressive in how I portray/convey/present myself...meh I don't know. I have to start somewhere. Hopefully, this can not only be a tool to help me, but also a safe haven for freedom of expression, creativity, and growth.

Lastly, you're probably wondering why I named the blog "The Funny Flaxseed". Well, there's alliteration first, so it roles off the tongue nicely haha. The train of thought that led me to this name is as follows:

The "Flaxseed" part comes from back when I used to listen to violin music a lot, especially anything by Joshua Bell (I am STILL in love with him). Well, one of the Joshua Bell CDs I had--called "Romance of the Violin" featuring Joshua Bell playing a lot of really emotional and romantic pieces (it is SO beautiful, please listen to his version if you have the chance!!)--had the piece "The Girl with Flaxen Hair" by Debussy on it. I think the name really stood out to me, I mean, cmon, it's so freaking beautiful...Flaxen hair just sounds so special or something haha. Anyway, well, I thought about incorporating the word "Flaxen" in the blog title, but because I don't actually have flaxen or pale-yellow hair (I have dark dark brown/black hair) I thought about using the word "Flaxseed", because the flaxseeds that I've seen are a really dark brown color (although I just looked online and they can be either brown or yellow ha haaa!). Not only was the "Flaxseed" part of the title inspired by my past experiences and love for the violin and classical music, it also comes from my mom being a health nut and always emphasizing the health benefits of a lot of different foods, flaxseeds being one of them. Healthy eating and nutrition became a really big part of my life after found out a few immediate family members of mine had diabetes. I am also currently a Nutritional Sciences major, so I think the "Flaxseed" component of the title is really appropriate and personal in way. :)

The "Funny" aspect comes from a part of my personality that has always appreciated humor, comedy, and anything that makes one laugh. Growing up, I often portrayed myself with a silly and goofy personality ("cerebral lolsy" if you will-- I'll explain more about how that phrase was coined in another post some time), as a way for me to hide the problems and more serious emotions that I felt, smiling often and always trying to make others smile in order to distract myself (and hide from others around me) the hurt and sadness I felt sometimes. More recently though, like within the past year, I've become more serious and less silly with my personality because I am 21 years old and I think people started not taking me seriously (but more on that in another post). However, I will always think that a sense of humor brightens and lightens life, keeping things positive, fresh, and laid back (usually), and brings people together. Humor is a great thing in life and there will always be a side of me that enjoys a good laugh.

So there you have it. The etymology of my blog's name haha!

PS. Yall will soon find out that my diction can be simple but also creative. I tend to make up phrases/words/ideas to convey my thoughts when I feel like I can't find the right words--- examples like "cerebral lolsy", etc.