To be honest

To be honest, I'm not okay. I feel really lonely all the time and don't know who or what to turn to. I'll open up the Bible and read something but my mind will be in some other place (like school or things that I have to do) and I can feel my focus being pulled in all directions. To be honest, I left because I didn't feel as if I belonged and felt excluded from everything and distant from everyone and awkward and different overall. I did not feel joyful when worshipping and I felt that people were measuring their faith by how much they could do with their actions. To be honest, I feel as if I can't open up to anyone because everyone whom I've ever opened up to has been a let-down, didn't know how to help me, didn't/doesn't value me as much as I value them, or won't take me seriously. I ate with an old friend today and some of what she said I didn't really agree with but I showed that I did agree with her thoughts anyway. Why do I do that? I really don't know... To be honest, I don't know if I want to be a PA anymore because I don't know if I'd enjoy it or even have energy by the end of PA school. I don't even know how to interact with people anymore and PAs have to interact with people constantly. What happened to me? I used to be so outgoing and strong and indifferent to what others thought of me. I also haven't been doing too well in school, and that in itself could be a sign that maybe it isn't what God wants me to do, right?

To be honest, I'm really envious of the people around me- friends, family members, peers, older and younger, etc...My roommate who has all these opportunities going for her, who has the grades, internships, and leadership experiences all falling in place for her now because of the guaranteed med school acceptance program she's in, but also a ministry and community of Christian friends and an extremely close-knit/supportive family as a support system for when she feels down/inadequate/etc... My sisters, especially the middle one who didn't have to really work hard in life and got the easy way out with a major in communications and who has a nice life right now making money, eating at cool places, going to live music concerts, having a close community of friends from her hipster ministry to hang out with, having time for herself to cook and read and travel and photograph and live life... My mom who has time after work to grocery shop and work out and go to Bible study classes ... and even strangers whom I've just met. I wish I could just be satisfied with my life and see how truly blessed I am.

To be honest, I can't be honest with anyone anymore because no one can help me besides God, but even then, I find it really difficult to feel his presence, at least for me. I wish I wasn't so bitter or cynical. I wish I knew where I was going in life or at least had a strong assurance/trust in God like some people do. To be honest, I'm tired of faking it and pretending like I have it all together, because I don't. But whenever I express that to others, they either take advantage of it or look down on me because of it or pity me but never help or empathize with me. I'm such a selfish and immature fool.

The friend that I ate with today mentioned how she thought that a sure sign of maturity is when you start to think about others more than yourself. I'm not so sure if I agree with that. It's strange because I feel as though I used to be extremely selfless and altruistic and would go out of my way to help anyone and everyone but as I've gotten older, I've become more concerned with myself and my life...probably because I neglected to take care of myself so much before. Yet I feel as though I am more mature now than I was before, despite having a more self-focused mindset... I don't know. It all doesn't really make sense to me. Someone who may show altruistic concern and selflessness towards others may not necessarily be mature...especially one who does things out of child-like faith. I think it's because my altruism stemmed from ignorance and naivety while my self-centeredness stems from bitterness and experiences of betrayal or missed opportunities or of being misguided in life. How do you define maturity anyway? I have this post addressing the idea of growing up and what maturity entails, saved somewhere in my Drafts haha ...but just like my other entries, most of them are incomplete and not well thought out....:/

I don't know where I was going with this but it felt good to let it all out. I don't have anywhere or anyone to turn to so I suppose I'm glad that I have this blog.