Since the beginning of freshman year of high school, my dad has primarily lived on the other side of the world in Asia (China and Taiwan back and forth) due to work. My dad is a hardworking (really a workaholic if you will) and kind dad, and whenever he would come back to visit Austin, I always appreciated how he strove to spend time with me and our family, despite his busy schedule. I wouldn't say that my dad was more lenient or lax than my mom, but he was always fair, just, practical, and understanding. I really appreciate that about my dad... I feel that sometimes my mom doesn't truly understand my situations or circumstances and that in turn results in her asking impractical things out of me. Nonetheless, while my dad and I can relate more in some areas, the distance makes things hard, and as a result, I've actually become a lot closer to my mom, surprisingly (but I'll save that for another post).
Recently, my dad was told that he had about 2 months before he'd be laid-off because his company had to cut people due to the economy (i think the economy bad again now or something?). While my dad is essentially about to retire, I think it was somewhat bittersweet for him because I feel that going to work for my dad was some sort of comfort or safety blanket, something he felt great fulfillment and satisfaction from..it was his natural habitat if you will haha. For some time now, he's told me and my mom that he's had plans on starting his own business or something, after retiring (what?!?) or something like that... so knowing he'd be cut was also sort of a good thing in that if he chose to pursue this sort of entrepreneurship, he could focus more of his time on that. But to be honest, I don't really like the prospect of my dad continuing work after retiring... I just really wish that he'd just settle down back in Austin, take it easy, and spend more physical time with us, his family. I feel like the physical distance, his lack of presence in my life (his absence), especially during the years I most needed a social support system and really had none (nobody or nothing to turn to besides my studies- which were kind of a part of the source of my struggles- or violin- which would be an outlet for me unpredictably), ...I feel like his absence in my life really has made growing up difficult. It's exacerbated life's challenges and has hindered me from becoming the adult I feel like I was meant to be.
Today (or at least the day that I started this post), I talked with my dad on the phone (even though we usually video chat), for a short time, but it wasn't enough. He had to go, so that cut our conversation short, and I was left feeling really empty and sad...I feel like sometimes my dad doesn't realize the impact that his absence has on my life, despite constantly telling him that I miss him and that I wish he were back in Austin. I think sometimes I'm afraid to express to him that I need him because I don't want to come across as someone who is needy, as a 21-year old who hasn't matured or grown up or is self-sufficient and can take care of her own self...I feel like throughout my entire life, I've always tried to prove my worth to the people around me in everything I do...my intelligence, my obedience, my physical prowess, my personality, my musicality, my creativity, my style, my everything...I always wanted to excel in everything so that people wouldn't perceive me as a child or stupid or something...I don't know. I think that this part of my personality somewhat stems from being the youngest of 3 children and contrary to popular belief, I wasn't really a child who was "spoiled" and given everything she wanted, even though I was the youngest. I never really saw the complete awesome or glorious thing about the youngest- seriously I think each youngest child's experience varies depending on the family they come from. Anyway, I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm frustrated because despite being the popular image of what a youngest child's life is like, I feel like my life has been very different than that, so I shut my feelings away inside of me because most people don't understand my situation and assume things based upon the stereotype society has built the youngest child to be. But I guess I can expand more on this in another post I suppose..
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