starting somewhere

Today I was able to make another break in the ice. Another dent in the iron. Another inch forward in this life-long battle of standing up for myself in this family, explaining the issues that I have with my sisters and how they treat me, and forging my identity...Sorry about being really vague/ineloquent and inarticulate, but I guess we all improve in time right? You gotta start somewhere (I seem to always be "starting" and never "completing" or "maintaining")

I finally told Elaine how I didn't like the way she acted sometimes and how she could sometimes come across as being really insensitive. The conversation was really a struggle initially because she had made really out-of-place laugh at something that had said, and I had told her that the way she laughed could sometimes be offensive to someone who could probably have sincerely meant whatever they were talking about. She became really defensive on how we were just different individuals and how we each perceive offense is different, and how she "is the way she is" and she can't change. I told her that I was just merely suggesting that it might benefit her or it might be healthy to be more receptive to different kinds of people's personalities... she kept cutting me off/interrupting me, explaining how no one has ever called her out so how would she know whether there was something about herself that people had an issue with unless I could tell her right then and there. Then me being the inarticulate, bumbling word-fumbling baffoon I am, finnnaalllyy/eventually got to mentioning different cases in which the way she acted might not be that healthy, esp her "not being able to change because that's just the way I am Kelly" facet of her personality. I touched on the idea of how sometimes I felt as though she was showing-off her lifestyle of photography, clothes, cooking, traveling, and materialism to others, and how I felt has though anyone could do those things (me included) if they had the time and money to buy equipment and friends and do those hobbies, and it can be really insensitive when she flaunts the things she's able to do to others, especially when some people, like me, put those hobbies on hold and sacrifice a lot for their future by being really studious/conservative/frugal/passive/ forgiving/obedient/sacrificial in order be able to afford that kind of lifestyle in the future. I told her how I felt as thought I grew up having to compromise my desires/interests/hobbies (including those that I felt as though she boasts about) for the sake of studying hard so that ultimately, I could get a good job to please/accept/support mom&dad, and that I also had to filter myself and compromise my personality (extroverted --> introverted, outgoing &assertive --> scared/shy &passive, carefree&bold --> anxious&low-esteemed) due to the later conversions being more conducive to being successful in school (it saved energy, etc.), as all my efforts were for the purpose of being obedient to my parents, etc. Thus, I have big people-pleaser tendencies, and she, being lucky enough to have to leave those issues behind by finding different friends and never feeling the need to change, really took my constructive criticism distastefully....We touched on so many other subjects and butted heads a lot more but I'm really glad that we were able to flesh out ideas and that she was finally willing to listen to be flesh out my concerns somewhat.

It's interesting because from our argument/fleshing out of each other, I've learned so much about her. She really is a lot different that what I thought of her prior to our fight. I think that I used to think she was similar to me (which she was, up until a point) and that she came to be the person who she is and was able to change due to certain pivotal experiences, but I realized that she really is the same in some areas where I thought she changed...it's only because of her great friends/support system at Vox Veniae that she's been able to not have to change. Feeling too comfortable, she is spoiled so rotten with the encouragement, agreeableness, and lightheartedness of people at Vox that she never feels the need to change or improve herself because no one ever calls each other out on anything. I guess I thought that Elaine had struggled through a lot of what I have been going thru (and overcame it) so she'd be able to better empathize with the issues I was talking to her about, but it turned out that she struggled thru those things and didn't change, just avoided those struggles by luckily finding a group of ppl who allowed her to have to deal with those problems anymore, so now that I'm going thru them, she doesn't really understand where I'm coming from because her solution for dealing with those issues was handed to her on a silver platter.

This conversation was hard. I know that so much more needs to be talked about. But I'm glad that now I can call out either sister without them feeling offended cause they'll know where I'm coming from and that I'm not wanting them to change, rather they know that I'm hoping they use those experiences to understand me more as a person, so as to know how to better act around me.

Wish I could remember more about our fight/conversation today to document but I know that more will come in time. Cheers and Merry Christmas.